Little Bows with Pink T Shirts

Sometimes I just like to take her pictures and post them.  No story to them at all.  Just her.

She's getting a sibling or two...

Well sort of.

Enough to draw you all in though.  Ha!  But glad you're here. 

We decided that it was high time to start diving into what our hearts always wanted to do.  And now that we have the ability to try, we're trying.  Trying to foster and adopt that is.

We're still very much at the beginning of the process.  But the decision has already caused our family to make drastic decisions.  But we're ready, or at least as ready as we'll ever be.  And we know that this will include sacrifice.  Lots and lots of sacrifice.  But that is what dying to live means anyway, right? So here goes.  We're all in.  Together.  And we might possibly take you all on the ride this will be.  

The Husband

I wish you could see us on our off days.  You know most days of our lives.  The ones that don't usually make it to a facebook status, a blog post, an instagram picture, or even make it out of this house.  But we have them.  Many of them.

Recently I've been a puddle of gloopy gloppy muddy mess.  Everything I've kept inside I finally allowed to flow out.  And it poured out over the past two weeks with a force I had no idea was inside me.  I vented.  I yelled.  I weeped.  I mourned.  As if I had put myself in a cocoon for the past two years and I had spent the past two weeks finally burning away the layers and disassembling the me I've created unaware that I was about ready to reemerge as a butterfly.  But it was painful.  

The experiences of my past and the poor choices I've made were so painful, that I secretly covered them up with the facade of strength and confidence.  But deep down I was broken and in need of someone to take charge.  I had managed to over power my husband's desire to lead me as I had found convincing ways to prove I knew better, in fear that if he knew how messy, insecure, and afraid I was, I wouldn't be the same passionate woman he thought he married.

But just the other day I lost it.  I lost it all, then willingly handed it over.  And it was the toughest thing I've ever done.  To cry in front of the most beautiful man I've ever seen and reveal just how afraid I was that he would leave me, find me less of the woman I had pretended to be, and even more afraid that he had held resentment towards me for the road our family has walked these past few years, was the most vulnerable thing I have ever done.  I let the man I had hoped would forever see me as wonderful, passionate, beautiful, and of worth, see me as wretched, messed up, disheartened, and broken.  I let him into my heart.  

Prior to this moment, I had stormed into my car overwhelmed at the thought I was about to lose my family.  I screamed out in fury over the past choices that led me to this point and begged God to reveal just what He was doing in my life.  Because days before, I knelt before Him with my heart out saying "even if I lose this life, may I always have you".  And I had hit a corner I had never discovered before, one, that at the time, felt like I was about to lose this life and family I had made. 

So there I was.  Across from my husband and at the foot of the Cross.  Ready to die to live.  And there, with a grace only Heaven could paint, he saw the woman he had finally wanted.  A woman who would let him in.   

We don't have it all together.  In fact, we're still flubbing up even after the deepest heart to heart we've ever had.  We're still navigating the waters that are leading us to a place to thrive.  But we're doing it together.  One man.  One woman.  Jon and his bride.  And I couldn't be better reminded of the heart of the man I fell in love with.  The heart of the man I proudly get to call, "My Husband." 

Mother's Day

This was probably the most challenging Mother's Day I've had.  My daughter doted on me; waking up asking for cuddles, and my husband made sure to kiss me throughout the day thanking me for what I do for our family.  No complaints from me whatsoever.  My little family of three escaped to the mountains and played in the creek for the day.

But my mind has been wrestling with my Kingdom Role.  What am I to do on this Earth that seeks out the Kingdom of Heaven instead of a comfortable home?  I've recently read the book, Passport to Darkness, by Kimberly L. Smith (CoFounder of Make Way Partners) that documents her life's story as she honestly seeks to make great of Jesus by truly putting Him and His Words first over anything else.  And that led her straight to Sudan and the hundreds of thousands of Orphans alone in the Bush of the Sahara Desert.  It was a hard book to read.  One that left me late at night screaming out to Jesus why He lets such things happens.  Then late nights crying over His response:  I don't, but you do.

Harsh words that pierce a DEEP love for me and for the people He created.  I am the answer to my own question.  I am the one who sits comfortably by reading the words: 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and windows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."- James 1:27 

Yet finding excuses and justifying my reasons to actually do little to physically follow through.

So this past mother's day, I did enjoy my family.  I did soak in the words of thanks and gratitude about my role as a mother.  But I also constantly spent the day allowing a stir deep within to take motion that lead my head down, my hands up in surrender, and my mouth proclaiming "who you love, I'll love, who you serve I'll serve, if this life I lose, I will follow you."  

So to the mothers around the world, THANK YOU.  Thank you for challenging my comfortable belief that I demand something in return.  Thank you for fighting for your children.  Thank you for showing me what real sacrifice means.  Thank you for starving so that your child may eat.  Thank you for walking the road you walked with a head held with grace and dignity.  And although you will probably never hear these words, "THANK YOU!"

Pretty Girls in White Dresses

I don't really have fancy words to write.  So I wont force it.  But I love this little family of mine.  I love this little girl.  And I love that a simple bribe of a tic tac can get me some of my most favorite moments I've ever captured.

In The World Of Stark Love

We've kind of been a little all over the place.  And because of that I didn't blog each session.  Well, now I'm kind of wishing I had, but since we're working on moving our photography sessions to a special blog designed for Stark Love, I figured I'd at least update on some of the sessions we've played around with in the last couple of months.

Part of what we're learning is more photo documentary.  I want to really learn how to tell a story and not just take a pretty picture.  But don't get me wrong.  I LOVE PRETTY PICTURES.  But part of my goal is to learn how to tell a story using powerful emotional images.  So, we started doing that.  And it was trial and error at first.  Hence, why you haven't seen many posts.  But it has been so much fun!  So in this post you'll find a mix of images from lifestyle sessions and some portrait sessions.  Random.  I know.  But hey, at least its proof we haven't been just sitting around.  

*And then of course, there is this little girl.  The one who is really teaching us how to capture a story and an image full of emotion.  And I am really starting to fall for the images she's allowing me to take.