Saturday, November 28, 2015

This Choice and Her Pain

She's so delicate. Her spirit so fragile.  She's only five and the weight of our choices are heavy for her.  

As a parent, we're constantly making choices that affect the whole.  Some smart, some lacking wisdom.  Some selfish.  Some selfless.  Some little.  Some drastic.   We carry the weight of the repercussion of our choices, but sometimes, it lingers onto the innocent hearts of the little ones we raise. 

Recently we've made a decision that is drastically changing the course of our family.  Our lives from this point on will look nothing the same as it once did.  And this girl, this five year old girl, is in the direct fire of the results of that choice.  It's hard to watch her ride it through.  

I know the pain will lead to a new season of goodness.  There's so much her heart will learn and grow from this time of great heart ache.  This choice of ours, we pray, shapes her into a woman who sees something greater than herself and her own world.  In the meantime, I ache, I hurt, I question, whether our choice was necessary and right because the pain seems too much for her fragile heart to bear.   

As she lays her little head on her pillow pouring her pain through tears as she weeps over the choice we made that has daddy leaving us for a long time, I know this is the perfect time to soak this in and write her a letter- so that when the day comes where this season is all over- we have this- this moment- to look back on.

A Letter To You Joss:
My sweet baby.  I'm sorry this feels too hard to do.  It hurts.  I know, baby girl, it hurts.  But we'll get through this.  It will end.  I promise.  This moment isn't our forever.  So let's do this.  You and me and Joleen.  Lets ride these long nights and these lonely days and lets seek adventure and  make the most of what we've got.  I know this is hard on you and its hard on me to know that you have to go through this in order for your dad and I to get to where we want to be as a family.  

Daughter of mine, we will fail you.  We will mess this thing up.  I wont always hold my strength.  I wont always be what you need me.  But baby girl, I will give everything I have left in me to help you make it out as best as I can.  And with whatever you see, may you just see that what carries me through, is the same thing carrying you in the dark moments.  

Baby girl, may you see Jesus.  May you see that no matter what comes from our new future, that you see we aimed our eyes at our God who loves you so deeply.  I pray, my sweet Joss, that from this you come to find a strength deep within you that you were made to be.  I pray that you rise from this with far more beauty in your soul that no pain could take away.  I pray that you gain eyes for a purpose greater than yourself.  

Precious girl of mine, I pray you are brave and stay true.  This time is just a part of your story growing you into who you are meant to be.

I love you.  To Jesus and back, my girl, I love you!

Your mama.  

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