Monday, August 18, 2008


I grew up in a Christian household. Discovered who God was when I was little and gave my heart to Christ around age five. However, everything I believed about the God I've seen from a distance became so VERY real to me this past week.
I am laying in bed prepping for the pains that are to come. I feel a little here and there, and I'm hoping this will be the extent of the pain they were talking about (but I have a feeling I am only kidding myself). I asked God for a lot of things this past week, yet none of them had the answer that I was looking for.
After the miscarriage was confirmed I still had one major step to go, to actually have my body release the baby and everything else. I was praying for it all to come naturally. I didn't think I would have the strength to make the executive decision to take the pills that will do the work for me. I have nothing against taking the meds, but because this miscarriage had been so confusing I wanted something natural and normal to come from this, like my body realizing that the baby had died and now it needed to pass. The doctor gave me until today for my body to try on its own. When I was examined today, no signs of a natural pass were there, so I had to sign a waiver (so intimidating) and take the next step.
So here I am, home from the doctors really wanting a Strawberry smoothie and reflecting on all God has brought me through this far. I know that 1 out of every 5 women have a miscarriage in their lifetime. I've even heard a statistic that 50% out of those 1 have the miscarriage for their first pregnancy. But I refuse to be a percentage or statistic as I think most of you feel deep down inside.
Losing the baby while a lot of society still labels the baby not-yet-human can be very numbing. Most women don't even announce their pregnancy 'till after they've passed the "safe zone" which leaves a lot of unmentioned miscarriages. It's almost like a taboo. Like I've done something wrong to cause this, or that something I've done made my baby deformed beyond survival. Doctors tell you all the time that there is nothing anyone can do to prevent a miscarriage as well as know exactly what caused it. This can be very unnerving for both the first time and returning mothers.
From the moment I first found out I was preggers I held onto every sign of nausia I could. I kept telling myself, as well as everyone else who asked how I was feeling, that the more nausia the better. Most of the time, it's true. That's all I read in every single book about pregnancy out there that I could get my hands on. So that's what I held close to my heart and my hopes. But apparently for me, that wasn't the case. In fact, I was nausiated to the point of dry heaving all the way up to my appointment this afternoon.
God must of had something else planned. Or shall I say, He still does. When asked what kind of baby I wanted by friends and family, I only responded with a Healthy one. When asked by God what kind of life I wanted, I said a righteous one. So in order for me to be built up in righteousness I had to be broken down. I just didn't realized that meant everything from spiritually, emotionally, and now even physically. Nothing about this pregnancy was normal. Something was different. And I refuse to let it go to just a study case. I want more!
I gave God an ultimatum. Obviously to him its just a request. But I said, "don't test me for nothing. You better have some purpose for this experience and for those days my baby lived within me!" I may never know that reason, but I will hold fast to my request. I believe in a Bigger God than what I can put my hands on and a Bigger Story than I can fathom. Any glory that can go to God from this, then My baby's life has served a purpose!

1 comment:

  1. Sweetness, testing God only proves one thing: HE is God and no other! Thank you for this. I love what an example you have become and I know that you will one day be a great parent.

    On a slightly different note, but related to the beginning of your post, I remember going to your house when you were about 4 years old. You were so excited and said, "Feetart, Jesus lives in my heart!"

    Oh what joy filled my heart. My eyes welled up with tears. My Jen Jen knows Jesus in her heart!

    I excitedly ran to your mom and told her what you just said. She had the biggest grin on her face.

    "Jenny," she said. "Where else does Jesus live?"

    With excitement and joy, you said, "Jesus lives in my leg, and in my arms and in my tummy."

    Ahhh....the innocence of children.