Redefining Intimacy

I'm being molded.  I'm being shaped.  And along the way you've been there to see it all happen.  And He isn't finished with me yet.

I was cradling my little one to sleep when a flood of memories rushed back into my heart.  In my mind, I was with them again.  All seven of them.  I held them close and refused to let them go.  And I wept.  They weren't really there.  They were far away from me.  But I wanted them so bad.  The memories would shift.  The good.  Then the bad.  The enemy whispered his lies, and I'd suppress it.  No, I'd yell.  I can't go through it all again.  It hurt way too much.

They are gone from me, and all I have left is this gorgeous face of big brown eyes.  So I squeeze her tighter, and pray for that to be enough.  They are gone, and I have to learn to be ok with that.

And then I felt His presence and it swept over me with a wave of strength.  So I yelled against my enemy as tears dripped down my cheeks... 

"NO, YOU WILL NOT WIN.  NOT THIS TIME.  NOT EVER.  I MESSED UP.  I FAILED.  BUT I AM COVERED AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY."  

She remained sleeping as I rocked back and forth.

So He held my heart.  And He beckoned me to a place I had never been before.  A much deeper place than I imagined.  A place where He says, remain in me and I with you.  Be silent my daughter and let's redefine your intimacy with me.

I still have a lot of hurt that needs to be brought to light.  A lot my enemy has been successful to keep in darkness so that I might be hindered.

I remember the drive away from the home that held the very souls that changed my world forever.  I remember the sudden break and my heart shatter.  I remember it all.  And I remember a song that played on the radio as we turned away from the ranch.  And that same song, filled my heart this night I held my daughter...

There is no guilt here

There is no shame

No pointing fingers

There is no blame

What happened yesterday…has disappeared

The dirt has washed away

And now it's clear

There's only grace

There's only love

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough

Your sins are gone

Without a trace

And there's nothing left now

There's only grace

You're starting over now

Under the sun

You're stepping forward now

A new life has begun

Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace

There's only love

There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough

Your sins are gone

Without a trace

And there's nothing left now

There's only grace…

-Matthew West

So as He redefines my intimacy with Him, I say thank you to the hearts that have extended to mine.  And although this isn't goodbye, I'll be seeing you with a freshness that smells of Grace.

Amen.

Storehouse of Wisdom

Sometimes its important to check out.  To quiet the mind and hush out the opinions on twitter or the often ramblings of Facebook status updates.  Sometimes its necessary to turn off the cell phone and just be.  Because a lot of times, those sounds weigh my heart down.  I get distracted from my purpose.  My heart breaks over the negativity, and I just feel empty.  So this weekend, that's exactly what I did.

My life is far from spectacular, and I'm praying it never will be, but it is full!  See, I've traveled around the world, embraced many hugs, and called many places home, but there is something quite humbling about the quiet times in life.

So as I prepare for the adventures in the months to come that will have my world expand beyond what I know, I gladly enjoy the moments now....

And all the summer days where new flowers bloom and life flourishes in our backyard...

And the man that I married and all of his silly moments...

And her personality that starts to reflect her feelings inside...

And all of her silly facial faces...

And on rare and new occasions, when the baby is fast asleep, we get a night like this.  A night where we bundle up and sip some hot coco and fill our minds with wisdom.

So I pray you all find days to unplug and check out.  Days to quiet the noises from some of the unnecessary sounds we invite, and hear the very sound of the melody of your own heart.

The Geek in the Pink

When I get to cleaning through the closet and packed bags of clothes, I sometimes discover old treasures.  I'm so excited I stumbled upon this dress of mine, because our little family finally gets it's photos done by someone other than a tripod and self timer and this dress will be inspiring it all!

Don't be fooled by the big brand names.  

The Dress: Macy's Clearance Rack for $30 (had a $40 gift card- SCORED) *bought three years ago

The Shoes: Marshall's for $19.99 bought back in the day that I immaturely spent money on shoes.

Who, Me?!

Best way to get to know more about me is to look through some of the old pictures of me.  Each picture speaks volumes into who I was and who I am now.  These photos make me happy.  I hope they make you happy too.

I have a crooked smile- I hated it for a while, but now I embrace it!

My Dad

We were Brtiney Spearsing it

I am a beauty school drop out... can you tell?

Disneyland proposal!  

At one time in my life and probably never again

My first love

Coolest hair ever!

It was late.  Real late.

Yes, Enough Said.

We were the cool staff

I could bust a move even at a young age.

HAHAH!  Oh the horror!

BAM!  There's a glimpse into who I am.

Bring Back to Consciousness

Some days are better left as sweet savored memories in my heart.  Those days I leave the camera at home and simply enjoy the time with my most prized possessions and keep those intimate moments between us.

Then there are the days I know I'll want to bring back to consciousness with tangible memories of the moments best described with images.  So as I prep to fill the pages of my photo album with captions that fill my heart, I look back on the week that's past and see that my life is full of bright, happy, and absolutely delicious moments that I would rather not go without.

Happily I've embraced the days that daddy has had to head off to work and make it a goal to know my daughter deeper.  Her every sigh and ever smirk leave an imprint of something so unique no soul can replace.  And as moments go by so quickly, I yearn to savor every little bit of her so that in the end I can leave her with the comfort that she is indeed all her own.

With each skip and giggle we've tackled the luxurious Victoria Gardens...

We lathered our bodies with sprinkled fairy dust and played hide-and-go-seek in the backyard...

And as we transition into yet another adventure in our lives, I have earnestly sought out the very me in the very ones I have learned to give myself away to.  For although my identity lies in no one else, the very depth of who I am I freely give to them.  I have seen in their hearts the pieces of me that they've received with a cheerful spirit and it makes my job, my duty, and my very passion as his wife and her mother, all the more worth it!