Most days I need to shut up and just listen. Period.
And these conversations leave me drained and frustrated at those who, in reality, were never really involved. Yet this noise in my head of chit chats that will probably never occur consume me.
I believe if defined based on what I just wrote, I'd be considered, well, for lack of a better medical word, a nut case.
Then there is the constant need for the television on to drown out the feeling of being alone. With the sound of conversations going on outside of my head, I'm temporarily calmed for the times when I feel empty. So the noise of silly fictitious characters occupies my need for communication, and I become oblivious to what is around me.
But despite what is actually right in front of me, I hear the whispers constantly pushing me to believe that I'm not worth any of it. I hear what I imagine people saying about me, and I feel so tempted to throw in the towel. And as I sit and beg God to speak in His Voice of Truth, I sometimes hear very little. So I beg and plead a little louder. And louder.
And then she walks in with a look of concern as to why mommy is crying. And I see a face that says "mommy, its ok. Just be still." If only mommies naturally knew how to be silent and still. It's then I come to realize to just silence myself. Turn down the voices in my head and shut off the tv and just sit. And as many of you mother's might already have guessed, that silence leads to a moment of rest, or even better, a moment of sleep.
But that rest does more than recharge my batteries, it restarts my day and cleanses my frustrations. It opens up my hears to hear that which is lovely, that which is divine, that which is pure. And that rest, reveals to me that no matter the noise, no matter, the voices, there will still be Silence in my heart because it's where He meets me to make me whole.
And right after that rest, I'm greeted with the quirkiest smirk of the most graceful image of God I have ever met face to face...