Wednesday, September 28, 2011

For Jon

Sometimes, I get too smart for my own good and I fill my head with a lot of knowledge while neglecting the love within my heart.  Which always, without fail, leads me to an apology to someone somewhere.

My most recent one goes out to the one I apologize to the most.  

Recently I've been noticing a lack of bond between Jon and I.  He laughs and says "well I still feel it, so it must just be you."  Which it probably is.

I find myself still in a slump since I last saw and kissed my boys goodbye.  A slump that I probably haven't always been working too hard to get out of.  A slump that has allowed my body to form a shape that begs for strangers to place their hand over my belly and ask when the baby is due [there is no baby, and its for certain].  A slump that has fed my tendency to be quick to anger and slow to patience.  And a slump that has not had the desire to be the kind of wife I had committed to being.

Yes.  Life happens.  Things change.  And I've found smart ways to justify my behavior.  But my commitment to Jon does not, yet I've allowed it to fall off to the side.

I deeply love my husband.  I deeply desire my husband.  I deeply fail at choosing him each day over the slump most of you never see. 

I've become quite good at being transparent.  Always wanting people to see right through me, and to expose the honest thoughts, emotions, and choices.  But as long as you are a safe distance away from me.  See, I am horrible at being vulnerable.  And that has made itself so evident in my marriage.

I have this deep trust that Jon wont leave me.  I know he will always choose me.  Even if, and no matter what.  But sometimes, I know he sees how much I've changed.  I know he sees how my heartbreak has slowly eaten away at my self confidence.  I know he sees that I have stopped taken care of myself.  And I know that its affecting him.  

But I threw in a new commitment the day I apologized [again] to him.  I asked for his forgiveness and I committed to investing in him.  Which means nights of going to bed when he goes to bed [apparently some men appreciate that more than we think] and getting up when he gets up [even if I'll go right back to bed when he leaves for work].  It means quickly acknowledging when my tone with him was out of line.  It means believing in him so much that I want to compliment him as a wife standing by his side.  

See, I am so far from getting things right.  But with each morning coffee date and The Unit on tv for our 6am wake up call, I'm that much closer to making it right.  


  1. This was lovely Jhen. Isn't being a wife the most complex, amazing, and challenging thing ever? Men (the good ones) seem to have the loving thing down pat, yet I find myself struggling with my roller coaster emotions and my many flaws as a wife. It starts with one tiny step and taking it one day at a time, though, so good for you for taking that step. Praying for you toots! xo

  2. "Which means nights of going to bed when he goes to bed [apparently some men appreciate that more than we think] and getting up when he gets up [even if I'll go right back to bed when he leaves for work]. "
    I have been trying SO hard to do this with my husband. He appreciates it so much when I do this with him (the little things right?) I have slowly but surely been able to do so. It helps that he lets our 70 lb puppy jump on me at 6:00 in the morning. ;)
    I read a book called "created to be his help meet" while we were engaged and it opened my eyes. I had no idea of the responsibilities I had as a wife. I can't imagine how much harder it is being a wife and a mother and balancing those relationships. Praying for you and I am thankful you share your heart with us. Reading your blog always teaches me something, so thank you!

  3. Once again I will walk away inspired:) Thank you for putting things in a great perspective...AGAIN!! :)

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this. I really needed to read this today. For the past few weeks I haven't been consistently getting up with my husband, only when I feel like it. Which is NOT what it should be about.

    I truly appreciate you sharing what's on your heart. I'm thankful I found your blog. :)

    Much love,

  5. awww. this one really was precious.
    I know that if God lets me be a wife that there are going to be so many challenges and it is so encouraging to see other women being transparent and honest about marriage life. I think I've learned that marriage is a lot more than just having a man who loves God to choose you. It is a ministry and selfish ways and desires don't belong in ministry.

    Your beautiful1


  6. Reading this I feel like I"m reading about my own self....It's comforting to know that I'm not the only woman going through self confidence issues and being in a "slump". I got to counseling for my insecurities, it's helping but it's a slow process. Thanks for writing this.

  7. Thank you for this. It's encouraging to know I am not the only one who struggles at being a good wife.

  8. This is beautiful...... it really is.....

  9. Thank you for your honesty. It's hard to come by on blogs these days. :)