Sometimes, I get too smart for my own good and I fill my head with a lot of knowledge while neglecting the love within my heart. Which always, without fail, leads me to an apology to someone somewhere.
My most recent one goes out to the one I apologize to the most.
Recently I've been noticing a lack of bond between Jon and I. He laughs and says "well I still feel it, so it must just be you." Which it probably is.
I find myself still in a slump since I last saw and kissed my boys goodbye. A slump that I probably haven't always been working too hard to get out of. A slump that has allowed my body to form a shape that begs for strangers to place their hand over my belly and ask when the baby is due [there is no baby, and its for certain]. A slump that has fed my tendency to be quick to anger and slow to patience. And a slump that has not had the desire to be the kind of wife I had committed to being.
Yes. Life happens. Things change. And I've found smart ways to justify my behavior. But my commitment to Jon does not, yet I've allowed it to fall off to the side.
I deeply love my husband. I deeply desire my husband. I deeply fail at choosing him each day over the slump most of you never see.
I've become quite good at being transparent. Always wanting people to see right through me, and to expose the honest thoughts, emotions, and choices. But as long as you are a safe distance away from me. See, I am horrible at being vulnerable. And that has made itself so evident in my marriage.
I have this deep trust that Jon wont leave me. I know he will always choose me. Even if, and no matter what. But sometimes, I know he sees how much I've changed. I know he sees how my heartbreak has slowly eaten away at my self confidence. I know he sees that I have stopped taken care of myself. And I know that its affecting him.
But I threw in a new commitment the day I apologized [again] to him. I asked for his forgiveness and I committed to investing in him. Which means nights of going to bed when he goes to bed [apparently some men appreciate that more than we think] and getting up when he gets up [even if I'll go right back to bed when he leaves for work]. It means quickly acknowledging when my tone with him was out of line. It means believing in him so much that I want to compliment him as a wife standing by his side.
See, I am so far from getting things right. But with each morning coffee date and The Unit on tv for our 6am wake up call, I'm that much closer to making it right.