Sometimes I have days where I want to give up and quit because I'm so afraid of honest reactions and opinions of my work. Recently its become far easier for me to not have any part of great things because I'm so afraid that there may be negative thoughts of my role in it.
Recently I've been having to recall deep memories I've suppressed in order to process a lot of emotions that I've been unable to control. And all it's doing is uncovering my deep fear of failure.
If we were sitting down in my backyard enjoying the birds and chatting over a glass of pink lemonade, I would probably laugh off the many times in my life I quit. In fact, I'll probably sing along to the tune of Grease's "Beauty School Dropout" and claim it to be my anthem. I've dropped out of college, ditched beauty school, attempted Wedding Event Planning, said goodbye to seven hearts I had promised I would never leave, and now I'm feeling inadequate in the roles I've recently taken on.
I've quit so much in my life, I'm afraid to dive deeper into what's ahead for fear I'll fail and give up. I'll leave youth group and think that I've got nothing to offer them. I'll finish editing a wedding and think it isn't good enough. I'll leave a group of friends and feel like all I've done is annoyed them. I'll put my daughter down for bed and remember all the moments I lost my temper. And I'll want to curl into a ball and cry. And recently, that's what I've been doing.
I used to be incredibly confident and mostly unmoved by thoughts or words about me. I could care less. But as these past two years have taken a toll on me, I've had to revisit just how trained I was to perform in such a way or else I would be stripped of all I cared for. And then coping with losing them anyway.
I've become paranoid with what other people could be thinking of me. What if they think I'm someone who just says things without ever the intent of following through? What if they think I'm a spoiled brat? What if people think I'm a two timer? What if people don't find me good enough? I'm consumed with it and I let it run my life. So much so that I speak over Jon when I think what he is about to say isn't a better representation of my family. Or I'll get on Jossie because her behavior might portray me as a lazy mother. Or I'll quit at something I love because someone commented an imply that what I offered would've been done better by someone else.
My life is scattered. My brain is full of thoughts and every time I think of trying something new or giving of myself, I'm reminded over and over again of the times I've failed or the words said about me, that I hold myself back. Completely afraid of the pain that comes from the times before.
And as much as I have to learn of my past, I have still to learn of Trust. That even when I mess up, I'll still be loved. And although I grew up in a household full of grace and mercy, having abandoned the boys I called my own and even doing to them things I swore I would never do, I've been struggling to see just how much of a Price Jesus Died For. Because although we easily step to our beliefs that He died for the victim, we're quick to question if He died for the bad guy. And what if that bad guy was me?
I still have so much I'm processing. Two years later and I'm still working on my heartbreak. I've got much to learn of Trust because although I'm one big disaster of a person, I've got a heart covered by GRACE and FORGIVENESS from a CHRIST longing to see this life FULL IN HIM. And I'm working on it. Writing letters to people I need forgiveness from and working on forgiving myself is a hard task. But I'm getting there.