Wednesday, April 11, 2012

FOR FEAR OF FAILURE

Sometimes I have days where I want to give up and quit because I'm so afraid of honest reactions and opinions of my work.  Recently its become far easier for me to not have any part of great things because I'm so afraid that there may be negative thoughts of my role in it.

Recently I've been having to recall deep memories I've suppressed in order to process a lot of emotions that I've been unable to control.  And all it's doing is uncovering my deep fear of failure.  

If we were sitting down in my backyard enjoying the birds and chatting over a glass of pink lemonade, I would probably laugh off the many times in my life I quit.  In fact, I'll probably sing along to the tune of Grease's "Beauty School Dropout" and claim it to be my anthem.  I've dropped out of college, ditched beauty school, attempted Wedding Event Planning, said goodbye to seven hearts I had promised I would never leave, and now I'm feeling inadequate in the roles I've recently taken on.  

I've quit so much in my life, I'm afraid to dive deeper into what's ahead for fear I'll fail and give up.  I'll leave youth group and think that I've got nothing to offer them.  I'll finish editing a wedding and think it isn't good enough.  I'll leave a group of friends and feel like all I've done is annoyed them.  I'll put my daughter down for bed and remember all the moments I lost my temper.  And I'll want to curl into a ball and cry.  And recently, that's what I've been doing.  

I used to be incredibly confident and mostly unmoved by thoughts or words about me.  I could care less.  But as these past two years have taken a toll on me, I've had to revisit just how trained I was to perform in such a way or else I would be stripped of all I cared for.  And then coping with losing them anyway.

I've become paranoid with what other people could be thinking of me.  What if they think I'm someone who just says things without ever the intent of following through?  What if they think I'm a spoiled brat?  What if people think I'm a two timer?  What if people don't find me good enough?  I'm consumed with it and I let it run my life.  So much so that I speak over Jon when I think what he is about to say isn't a better representation of my family.  Or I'll get on Jossie because her behavior might portray me as a lazy mother.  Or I'll quit at something I love because someone commented an imply that what I offered would've been done better by someone else.

My life is scattered.  My brain is full of thoughts and every time I think of trying something new or giving of myself, I'm reminded over and over again of the times I've failed or the words said about me, that I hold myself back.  Completely afraid of the pain that comes from the times before.

And as much as I have to learn of my past, I have still to learn of Trust.  That even when I mess up, I'll still be loved.  And although I grew up in a household full of grace and mercy, having abandoned the boys I called my own and even doing to them things I swore I would never do, I've been struggling to see just how much of a Price Jesus Died For.  Because although we easily step to our beliefs that He died for the victim, we're quick to question if He died for the bad guy.  And what if that bad guy was me?   

I still have so much I'm processing.  Two years later and I'm still working on my heartbreak.  I've got much to learn of Trust because although I'm one big disaster of a person, I've got a heart covered by GRACE and FORGIVENESS from a CHRIST longing to see this life FULL IN HIM.  And I'm working on it.  Writing letters to people I need forgiveness from and working on forgiving myself is a hard task.  But I'm getting there. 
  

  

11 comments:

  1. Girl, I know the feelings of 'quitter' you're going through. I could rattle off my own list that's staggering. I'll pray you can keep pressing through, be able to face those past failures and know you've come along way from that Jhen.
    Emily at Amazing Grapes

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  2. Jhen you are an amazing SPIRIT!!!! You are an amzing person and your heart is so full of LOVE!!! Do not allow the enemy to put you down or make you feel "less than" because you have the GRACE OF DADDY GOD and it is your destiny to love and be loved!!! I am praying and BELIEVING every promise of God to be your healer of everything!!! I love you sweet friend that is way too far away!!!

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  3. Jhen,

    Wow, this is so my heart right now as well. "Recently its become far easier for me to not have any part of great things because I'm so afraid that there may be negative thoughts of my role in it." ....amen, amen! Loved the honesty in this, not to mention I've dropped out of college and beauty school too ;) Keep pressing on sweet friend!

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  4. jhen,
    this post is so my heart right now as well. the way that you put words to what i am feeling is so encouraging to read. " i have become paranoid of what people think of me.." i am right in the midst of struggling with that, and not doing things i feel passion for because of it. thankful that i am not alone and thankful for your honesty. praying for you as we walk through this together.
    xo,
    ally

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  5. Wow. This is so beautiful Jhen. It's so powerful when you show your beautiful heart. I am paralyzed by fear of failure so often. I can really relate to feeling the need to perform and all of this on so many levels. Just know that I think you are an amazing photographer, visionary, mother and compassionate-hearted person. When it's grace vs. our imperfections, grace wins every time.

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  6. Father has been teaching me things about this lately. I haven't heard from Him in a while or made the time to hear from Him, but He got through to me. He showed me that if I declared the name of Jesus over the areas in my life that I struggle with, that He would fight for me. He would heal the wounds I have and calm my insecurities. When I finally realized this a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels so new but I feel so free and renwed in the passions He has given me. This is such a wonderful post and I always appreciate your honesty and openness. I will be praying for you and praying the Lord reveals Himself in ways he never has before.
    -Breanne

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  7. I can relate to your feelings about giving up and quitting. I feel like there are so many times that I just want to give up and say "I can't do it anymore." I hate the feeling of rejection and disapproval. I often wonder what people think of me and sometimes it is all I think about constantly. I care too much of what others will think of me by the actions I do. Part of that is good I guess, but then it also consumes me sometimes.
    What you wrote, I could apply to so much right now in my life. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Even though you may feel like you want to give up, know that God has a purpose for all that He is allowing you to go through right now : ) You sound like a really nice person, Jhen, and I'm so blessed to know you! You are a very talented photographer and a beautiful person, inside and out!

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  8. So, this comment won't be as long as the others lol, but I would have never known your felt this way about yourself. Although, I don't know you well, you seem like a very confident woman, and a good mother.

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  9. What a wonderfully honest statement.

    I was encouraged by a quote I read a couple of years ago. I can't remember it exactly, but it goes something like: "Jesus didn't come despite our sins; he came BECAUSE OF our sins." In other words, he came because of our failures. That gives me confidence, not in my abilities to do things right, but in his ability and willingness to accept us I am.

    WB

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  10. Thank you so much for writing.
    Thank you for being so honest,
    My thoughts and my actions bring me to the same place that you wrote of,
    a place of being so afraid of failure that you just don't try...
    And even though I am just 19 years old and have not gone through or experienced everything you have been through,
    I understand in every way I am able to.

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