Monday, July 26, 2010

I've Been Selfish

I struggle with a lot of things.  I am not perfect.  I've done a lot of selfish things that have hurt a lot of people and for that I am greatly sorry.

I've come to the humbling moment of realizing just how selfish I've been lately, at 2 am last night when my little one needed a good cuddle and rock-a-bye back to sleepy land.  I held her close to me and just rocked and rocked her back to sleep.  It was a peaceful moment and a "oh, that's what its all about" moment.

To tell you more of the background, I've been having a hard time finding my niche into my husband's family.  It isn't their fault.  It's my own.  I have a tendency to read into things too much or not initiate things when I should.  So after almost 3 years of marriage and 8 years of dating, I'm just starting to realize how selfish I've been with their son, well, with her little boy.

There comes a time when a child will grow up, move out, find love, and create a family of their own, and although its an joyous moment, its a hard moment.  I was rocking Josselyn to sleep and thinking, one day, she wont be mine anymore.  One day, she will be with a man and they will be married and go off on their own.  And then I cried.  I kissed her forehead and asked God to grant me many years of a loving relationship with my baby girl so that when it comes time, letting go will be a little easier.

Then I though of my mother-in-law, 25 years ago, walking around pregnant in the dead of summer, looking forward to her last little one to arrive and the bond they must have shared while she carried him in her womb.  And the night she first got to hold him in her arms.  But then, when I started picturing her in the same place I was in, rocking her little boy back to sleep after crying, it HIT me...  This great love I feel for Josselyn, she feels for Jon.

It is so easy to remove yourself from understanding exactly how a person feels, and my selfishness has done just that!  I haven't tapped into what it must be like for her to see her little one grow up, move out, and take a bride and start a family of his own.  Goodness, it must be hard.  I know she enjoys the new family her son has created, it shows in our new relationship, but as I've put myself in her shoes, I see a whole new beauty and grace for her bond with her little boy.  I can appreciate her on a whole new level and love her all the more for it.

For all those diapers she changed.
For all the boogers she's had to remove or wipe away.
For all those boo-boos she's had to clean and kiss and make better.
For all the tears she's had to wipe and cuddles she's freely given.
For all the laundry she's had to do and rooms she's had to clean.
For all the meals she's had to cook.
For all the socks she's had to find.
For all the sports games she's attended.
For all the hunting gear she's had to pack.
For all the "mom, where's my..." she's had to answer.
For all the "mom, I love you" she's enjoyed hearing.

She is the mother to the man I am madly in love with and a grandmother to the baby I gave birth to.  She became a whole new special woman to me and I love her VERY much!

{Joss with her Grandma and Grandpa Stark}



  1. I too struggle with my selfishness over my husband. Finding my niche in his family feels like being a clownfish in a school of tuna-awkward, out of place, and I just can't keep up.

    During a night of utter confusion and frustration with my in-laws, I wrote Isaac's future wife.

    I encourage you to write to Joss's future husband and keep going back to that letter as she grows into the young woman that God has intended her to be.

    Keep your chin up! :)

  2. Such a touching story! Thank you for sharing ! My husbands mother died at an early age, I never got to meet her. His father wasn't in his life, so I have no in laws and I'm sure if I did there may be struggles as well. Some days I wish I knew what it was like to have a mother in law !Call me crazy but I do wish that often.

  3. Ana, writing to her future hubby is a great idea!!!! Thanks for sharing! I'll have to do that!

    Actually, having a mother-in-law is great! We get along really good now that I've put my selfish ways behind me ;0)

    I wouldn't have it any other way!