Saturday, May 23, 2009

Sound of Melodies

I am lying in bed, sick with a cold that is drastically changing the tummy calmness I was starting to feel. The boys are all outside playing (we recently got a new 5 year old with so much spunk and energy), while I have to lay in bed. I am bummed.

I know that everyone goes through pregnancy quite differently, and maybe for me, I'm in the denial period. Although I estimate to be about 11 weeks along, I have yet to see a Dr, and maybe that's part of the case. So often I find myself weeping dramatically over my situation, but then I find myself later craving the moment when I'll get to hold my baby in my arms. I know I read that a lot of women go through a denial period, but I feel so guilty about it.

We found out we were preggers after we decided to take the job in Arkansas and sell 90% of our possessions. We weren't trying this time and it came as a complete shock to me. At first I was overwhelmed with Joy, but as I started to think about the fact that I will spend my first year creating a home with these teenage boys, I will also have to be creating a home in my womb for my baby. And when I let myself think about all that entails, I begin to weep.

I know God has His Perfect Timing, and obviously this is one of them, and I know that He is carrying me through all of this, despite how different I wish the situation was. But things have been quite difficult here. First off, we have NO health insurance. And while most doctors take self-pay, out here they make it quite difficult to nearly impossible. We have humbled ourselves to stand in line at Human Services to apply for Medicaid, but even that is quite the challenge. I have battled operators at every doctor's office and every health clinic begging for someone to take me in, and as overwhelmed as I was I couldn't control the tears that began to pour out. My sweet husband could only hold me and tell me it was going to be alright and that the baby is still there safe and sound. The hardest part for me though is just that, is our baby safe and sound? I have yet to even see it, hear it, or feel it (despite of course the horrible symptoms I've been feeling the past couple of days and the inability to fit in ANY of my pants). I constantly long for the comfort of a doctors voice telling me everything is great.

Yet, that's where the guilt comes in. I don't need a doctors voice, I need God's voice. I need the sweet music of His words holding tight to my belly rocking my baby into a deeper and deeper development. That is what I need, but I've been so distracted to hear it. But the beautiful thing of it all (which I am just now realizing as I started to type into words the emotions I've been feeling), is that it isn't me God is serenading, it's my baby!

I am so exhausted I need prayer. Please family and friends, in the moments where I feel overwhelmed with the woes of me, pray that I'll be carried away by the grace of my Savior, because I CANNOT do this on my own! LOVE TO ALL OF YOU.

P.S. I finally got an appointment at a Health Clinic on Tuesday at 1:45 Arkansas time, so please pray for us then!

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