Monday, October 18, 2010

No Mom Talk Monday

Goodness, I have to say that I probably shouldn't have read Courtney's blog post before I wrote mine.  She so beautifully wrote about some tough things she's dealing with, and although this blog world tends to "follow" give aways, contest, and happy styled blogs (which there is nothing wrong with), I love when a blogger lets me into a piece of the real person they are.  And that's exactly what Courtney did.  Her honesty and transparency, although I'm sure so hard for her, was absolutely beautiful.  It was raw.  It was real.  And I encourage each of you to read it, because I think there's a piece of each of us that can relate to her on so many levels.  And with her 30 Days of Truth and No Mom Talk Monday... I start with day 1.

Sometimes I wonder if we've been black listed.  Like our names were put on this list that says "Do Not Hire."  I believe and trust whole heartedly in my husband and the choices he makes.  I've trusted his recent actions and I don't think he has to put up with some things he has been just because.  And that because, I think, is me. 

I still struggle with my past choices.  I still blame myself a little for leading us to where we are now.  I'm praying God makes the best of what I've done, but I don't always believe it.  I know... weak.  I can hear all the responses already.  I can hear the uplifting and the condoning.  My mind knows, but my heart has yet to get there.  

It wasn't Jon's idea to leave the Ranch.  He didn't want to.  I did.  I did because I was deep into the emotions that took over me right after giving birth.  And what I did made a lot of people angry.  It hurt a lot of innocent hearts.  And it left a big hole that I'm begging God to fill. Sometimes I find myself joyfully moving on and accepting the Grace in forgiveness.  Other days, like days when our bank account is about dried up and my husband is at his wits end and tempted to join the military, and days when people say things like "I told you so" or "You need to step it up", I give into the thoughts that say, "this is your fault".  Yup, I hate those thoughts.  But sometimes I embrace them, because its easier to blame something than it is to move on.

And those thoughts are becoming stronger and stronger the closer we get to Christmas.  Because Christmas will be just days away from 1 year since we said our tearful goodbyes.  And I can be thankful for those that came in after us, swooped up our loves under their wings and loved on them harder than they were before.  I can be thankful for the life they're living now and the love their experiencing.  These are all good things.  And they have probably moved on and that I can sing in joy for... 

But I have not.  And I loathe that about myself.  And I have myself to hold accountable for that.  This is a process.  A process I hope speeds up.  I do.  I want to be able to rejoice in the good and the bad.  Because I know I don't have it that bad.  In perspective, I have so much to sing about.  So I'll try to sing over the thoughts.  I'll sing over the failures and maybe, in time, the sound of my melodies will rise up over the white noise of my past failures.   



  1. Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you're feeling. It's hard to forgive ourselves for things that we've done in our pasts - that we aren't proud of. I think one of the best things we can do is really enjoy and appreciate the things we DO have. Take nothing for granted... because if we do, that will soon become another regret. You've got a wonderful husband and a beautiful little girl. Even if you're struggling financially and with decisions you've made, you've got so much to be thankful for. And I think you will be able to find joy in the good and the bad... it just takes time and a lot of strength. Which I believe you have a lot of!

  2. Jhen I think we are both in need of that hug we were talking about at your blog tea party. Hang in there, from what I can see it looks like you're doing a pretty good job enjoying what God has blessed you with.
    I'm praying for you, John, and Joss. I pray that John finds his dream job. One that fulfills his need to not only be with his family but provide a home for them as well. It will come..I PROMISE! God has your plan already written, just remember that.

  3. You are doing a remarkable job dealing with the hand that has been dealt to you. You talk about how much I inspire you, but it's YOUR beautiful outlook on life and your sincere thankfulness for the things you have that inspire me. I could tell you to keep your head up and that things will get better and all that jazz...those comments that you anticipate and that you assume are coming, because they always do. But instead, I'll just send you a giant virtual hug, a cup of your favorite tea and promise that if you EVER need someone to talk, don't hesitate to email me or hit me up on a Facebook/Skype chat. Lots of love to you my dear, dear friend!

  4. Jhen as I'm reading this post I know I have been there and felt this. All I can say is those thoughts are not of the Lord, and he can do miracles with any situation. I think he wants to through this one. =)
    Keep trusting hun.
    Wish I could give you a big hug!

  5. Hang in there! I think a lot more people are going through similar circumstances than we know. I know I read your blog and almost every time am identifying to some degree. I appreciate that you can be so honest about your circumstances.
    But on the other hand, don't beat yourself up too much! The world needs more people that follow their instincts and live their dreams.

  6. I'm a new follower and what a special and meangingful day to stop in on! This must have been fate for me to walk in on something so alive and honest!

    You are brave, being able to post these words (so elegantly as well) took effort. I can't say I would have been able to be that truthful, pouring my thoughts, my concerns and those that I've crushed.

    All I can is that you are not alone. I've been down this road, I've seen others down this road and eventually we all come to an understanding and somewhat of an acceptance. I hope to find yours and I look forward to 30 days of truth!!!!

    Feel free to stop by my neck of the woods if you'd like! Hope to see you there!

  7. Thanks for sharing the link, but argg it seems to be down... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please reply to my message if you do!

    I would appreciate if a staff member here at could repost it.


  8. Aww..thanks so much for your sweet comment. Now that I look at it, I hope it doesn't look too JC Penny-esque! HA HA! But I'm really hoping to experiment with it outside.

    And as for your post, your positive attitude is wonderful. It's hard to forgive ourselves for decisions we've made in the past (personal experience included), but your thankfulness for what you have really shines through. Hugs! :-)

  9. you have such a wonderful perspective on things & i love to read your writing. whenever i'm going through something hard, i take comfort in knowing that every day is a part of the healing process & that wounds do heal with time. sounds like you have the right idea on things :)