But today I did a lot of thinking. A lot.
I watched a video clip on child brides around the world and my little self pity got a good taste of a reality check. A very good taste!
With my last pregnancy, I didn't enjoy myself or soak in the beauty of what pregnancy can mean. Or does mean. And this time, I've been doing it again. I just don't naturally draw to the enjoyment of being pregnant. I love the outcome, just haven't enjoyed the process much. But today, as I watched a 14 year old girl weep over the unknown and loneliness of pregnancy in her poverty thickened community, I wept over my selfishness and the comfort I've been born into.
Yes. I am thankful for medicine. I am thankful for family to entertain my child as I try to sleep through the tough days. I am thankful I can assume the support through these next months. But my gratitude hasn't pushed me enough to go beyond what I prefer to do. My gratitude hasn't been enough to live joyfully in these tough days. And maybe, my gratitude hasn't been enough to even understand the word "tough".
So I wanted to document this moment. With the hope that this post will set a tone of accountability in my heart to breathe each moment in a little slower and find the joy and gratitude with every loved one I have, every comfort I've been allowed, every assumption I can make, and every symptom that still very much means life is still alive within me. And I pray this moment will set a tone. That every time self pity creeps in, I think of those around this world that understand the word "tough" a lot better than I do, and do it every day whether they want to or not. And that every time I think of them, I pray that their grace will resound brighter in this world.
As 12 weeks peeks it's head around the corner, THANK YOU JESUS, that you allowed me the blessing of being blessed by others so that this heart of mine can change!