But today I did a lot of thinking. A lot.
I watched a video clip on child brides around the world and my little self pity got a good taste of a reality check. A very good taste!
With my last pregnancy, I didn't enjoy myself or soak in the beauty of what pregnancy can mean. Or does mean. And this time, I've been doing it again. I just don't naturally draw to the enjoyment of being pregnant. I love the outcome, just haven't enjoyed the process much. But today, as I watched a 14 year old girl weep over the unknown and loneliness of pregnancy in her poverty thickened community, I wept over my selfishness and the comfort I've been born into.
Yes. I am thankful for medicine. I am thankful for family to entertain my child as I try to sleep through the tough days. I am thankful I can assume the support through these next months. But my gratitude hasn't pushed me enough to go beyond what I prefer to do. My gratitude hasn't been enough to live joyfully in these tough days. And maybe, my gratitude hasn't been enough to even understand the word "tough".
So I wanted to document this moment. With the hope that this post will set a tone of accountability in my heart to breathe each moment in a little slower and find the joy and gratitude with every loved one I have, every comfort I've been allowed, every assumption I can make, and every symptom that still very much means life is still alive within me. And I pray this moment will set a tone. That every time self pity creeps in, I think of those around this world that understand the word "tough" a lot better than I do, and do it every day whether they want to or not. And that every time I think of them, I pray that their grace will resound brighter in this world.
As 12 weeks peeks it's head around the corner, THANK YOU JESUS, that you allowed me the blessing of being blessed by others so that this heart of mine can change!
I hope that you start seeing the upside of this pregnancy! Being sick is never fun!
ReplyDeleteamen!!!! love your heart! so beautiful inside and out!!!!
ReplyDeleteHave you looked into getting a doula? I had some situational depression with my last pregnancy and seeing my midwives for an hour each month was so theraputic to me. If I didn't have them I would have been so lost, I felt like. They were an amazing support both before, during and after the birth. I've heard the same about doulas. Sorry if that is unwelcome advice! I'll refrain from offering any more, you've obviously got this :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited to find out if you're having one or two!
Definitely NOT unwelcomed advice! No, rather greatly appreciated! :) And the truth, I have not looked into a doula. Not really sure why. I know very little about them. So now I will. Thank you for your advice and encouragement. :)
DeleteI agree with the above comment! Perhaps look into a good, christian, doula that will offer spiritual support along with comfort techniques and help feeling better physcially and spiritually as well. :) Women are meant to care for each other, and I fully believe that in pregnancy and birth we crave that community. Something for you to pray about! I will be praying for your baby (or babies -- you are so big! eeep!), your body, your heart, your mind, your worries, everything. You are beautiful. You are blessed. And be encouraged! For God created pregnancy and birth to be a time of spiritual growth and goodness. :) Thank you for being so open and honest, and so raw and so beautiful inside. xoxoxo -- leah :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Leah! I just know so little about Doulas. So very little. To be honest, not even sure where to start. I agree about craving the community through this process. I love that there are so many other's pregnant with me, that I can text, call or email or visit with. It's been vital to my mental survival. :)
Deleteapprecaite your honest and transparent heart :)
ReplyDeleteNot everyone has a happy sunshine pregnancy. I had depression while i was pregnant with A, horrible sickness, and awful insomnia. I was SUCH a mess, like a serious mess. IT was so hard that it scared me right into not wanting to repeat the process and being quite happy with two beautiful babies :) Just saying that it can be HARD. I feel ya sister! Glad you could find some joy in a time that isn't so easy.
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