Thursday, October 2, 2014
My room is messy, there are 51 bajillion other things I am supposed to be doing right now, and yet all I can do right now is write out what's been on my heart these past weeks.
Today I sat in a Bible Study with a group of women. It's been a while since I allowed myself to do that.
I've been mad for a while at the idea of community. I craved it so much that I forced it into the image I thought it should be, leaving me hurt, angry, and used for others gain and glory. I became judgmental and wishing I could run away and start all over.
In the Bible Study, I had to answer the question....
"What is the driving force of your life?" I prayed about that for a while. I sat with my head in my hands and sang the words, "Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe..." and the answer popped into my head to the question....
People are the driving force in my life. Both in a good way, and both in a negative way.
People have driven the way I looked at life and choices I've made. I do most of my life for people. I know I was meant to serve. I feel most alive when I'm put to work for the betterment of people. I also feel most dead when I've allowed people to affect me so much that when they fail me, I give up.
And so, today I realized something. Although God has so gifted me with the strengths to serve people, to thrive on the uncomfortability of helping others, He has not called me to be driven by them. He has called me to be driven by Him; to love him with an abandonment that then flows my ability to serve people.
Community is messy. Community is made up of a group of people who will mess up, drop the ball, or down right hurt, but Community is founded on the sacrifice grounded in love. A love that is patient. A love that is kind. A love that does not envy. A love that does not boast, and is not proud. A love that is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. A love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. A love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (I Corinthians 13:4-7)
I'm on this adventure. One that has me getting a good dose of conviction and reality. One that has me so wildly chasing after Christ that I can sometimes get running so fast I leave people behind. In this race of life set before me, I know that community, and running alongside people is what we're made to do, and that means laying myself down, letting my gifts be used for people but driven by the desire to make known the Greatness of a God who so graciously runs with me, even when I act like the very pharisee's I judge.
So here I am. Vulnerably working towards setting aside my judgments and my safety nets. I'm letting go of the protocols and systems meant to put up walls that keep me from doing the very thing I love to do and pursuing people again, because when I pursue them, I pursue Christ.
For more on community and that joys, challenge, and God's heart on women living well with each other, check out The Tapestry Blog for 31 Days of Exploring Community.