Friday, June 10, 2011

She's On My Heart



Its not really that early here, but I'm tired none-the-less.  I've had serious  thoughts rolling over and over again in my mind day and night that have kept me from ever fully resting.  But I can't complain.  They are thoughts that push me, challenge me, and redefine my "in the box" ideas of who my God is.

I'm a simple mother.  Not quite the kind I imagined myself to be, but I am.  But I'm a passionate one.  And my favorite moments of my days are when it is me with my precious one rocking to sleep for nap time.  The fan is blowing and she nestles right into my arms and stares as I pray out loud.  I pray over her.  Her future husband, and the children around the world as innocent as her who don't have arms to nestle into and be rocked.  

Its always in those times that I cry.  Because as much as my heart is full, it hurts.  And there are honest times when I look at her and ask myself, "why did I allow such an innocent soul to enter such an ugly world?"  

I don't regret having my daughter.  She is a gift to be treasured, embraced, nurtured, and loved.  But sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the ugliness this world has to offer and I can't imagine any of that happening to her.  I don't want to imagine.  Then I get frustrated that I have already exposed her to it all just by birthing her.

And sometimes, I have thoughts that say "and now I'll be held back."  I know you think these are terrible thoughts, but then, might you be the ones whispering them?  Like by comments like "you can't go to that country, what about your daughter?  What if you die?  She will lose her mother!"  Or, "you can't up and move there, think about your daughter.!"


All responsible thoughts.  But that's just it, I DO THINK OF HER.  ALL THE TIME.  So when opportunities arise, she's the first one I consider.  Yet, I feel so pulled to a deeper trust than the comfortable trust our culture beckons us to.  A trust that says "If and no matter what."  I desire deeper blessings than that which typically get glorified on facebook and that have less to do with what I get and more to do with what others receive.

 I see her innocence.  I see her desperate need for love and for protection.  I see her desire for hands to hold that will lead her.  I see her heart built to trust.  And all of that I pray, with ever inch of what my heart can hold, I pray that I can do exactly what I have been created to do for her, while at the same time, abandoning the very desires of my own self and the very desires this culture screams at me to crave, and seek the face of my Jesus and His commands.

See, Jesus gave her to me.  He allowed me this gift to raise, to cherish and to teach up in a way that she would also respond to His command to love others, to tell more people about Him, and to Bring Him Glory.  She is my ministry.  She is my child.  She is my heart.  And although my mind can't sometimes grasp her timing, Jesus did so perfectly and wonderfully, and with that, the three of us are a power no man can separate.    


I am far from having it all together!  I don't have the answers to all of life's questions, or many of them for that matter.  I'm a complete mess when it comes to organized thoughts in my head.  And I make terrible, terrible mistakes.  I'm not better than you nor do I claim to be some humble woman in need of pity or accolade.  I merely write the thoughts as I continue to process them.  

   


__________and__________
Don't forget to check out the "Ask the Husband" post to send in your questions for Jon to answer... It's going to get crrrr.a.z.y!

__________BE:ACTIVE__________


12 comments:

  1. God has obviously called this child into the world. You may think you had control over your daughter being born, and yes, you had something to do with it. But if God didn't want her here, he wouldn't have allowed you to conceive and for her soul to walk about on this earth. When it comes to our lives, our children's lives... we must trust that God knows what he's doing.

    I think your daughter would honor and admire a courageous mother who had a heart for the world. We do the world and the Great Commission no good whatsoever if we all stay huddled in our pews and Tuesday evening ladies bible studies. And if something happens to you? God has control over that, over you, and over how your daughter would be taken care of. But I'm sure that IF something happened to you, your daughter would be honored knowing that her mother suffered for the cause of Christ and His beloved creation....

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  2. My husband always said those things before I got pregnant (well still even now). He did not want to bring a child into this world because of how messed up and ugly it can be. I might now know exactly how you feel yet, but I assume I will be feeling all those emotions soon as my daughter enters the world. I think you are a wonderful mother who obviously puts your little girl before anything, and that's all you can do.

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  3. This is so right on. I've never been so fearful in all my life than I am now as a mom. It's a fear that this ugly of the world will touch my innocent child. It will touch him though. There's no preventing it. Now, it's a matter of laying it at God's feet.

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  4. It's interesting, I bet our parents said the same thing when they were talking of having kids. How they couldn't imagine bringing a child into their world. And even people far before them.

    Thankfully we DO have Christ to share with our kids to allow them the opportunity to see it how He wants. To teach them that 'this' world isn't what we should focus on, but Him and Him alone.

    I really love your honesty in all your posts.

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  5. God's timing is always perfect, isn't it? Children are such a blessing! Thanks for sharing :)

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  6. this is a beautiful post. i love the way you write. and your daughter is precious! so glad i found you through casey :)

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  7. "And there are honest times when I look at her and ask myself, "why did I allow such an innocent soul to enter such an ugly world?" I feel so pulled to a deeper trust than the comfortable trust our culture beckons us to. A trust that says "If and no matter what." I pray that I can do exactly what I have been created to do for her, while at the same time, abandoning the very desires of my own self and the very desires this culture screams at me to crave, and seek the face of" my Jesus and His commands.."

    your heart for the Lord is beautiful. These thoughts are in perfect alignment with my own life. I pray and wish to do the same. Reckless abandonment to myself and a more glorious life in heaven with our creator. Society throws at you what it knows. But the trust and understanding that the Lord has gifted you with in GOD allows you to see through society into the eternal concerns...

    Praise God for your blog girl!!! I hope I made some type of sense. I don't really think too much when I write. ha ha I just babble.

    ♥cheche

    http://savedthrulove.blogspot.com

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  8. I think the same thoughts often about my daughter friend. It's quite a responsibility we have if we really want to raise our children the way the Lord has commanded. Your daughter is going to love looking back and reading the things on your heart someday!

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  9. I have often marveled at the fact that I can have such fear of what the world may bring for my children while at the same time trusting God with their very lives. It's so perfect what you said about having a "deeper trust than what our culture beckons us to." I treasure the words you write on this blog.

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  10. You have a beautiful heart. So blessed to have found your blog!

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  11. The way you are minister to sweet Joss, what you sow into her....THAT is what will change the world! God created her to be a change and He has given you and Jon a heart like HIs to pour into hers! It is that combination that will make a lasting change in this world! Your parents sowed into you and you sow into Joss....She WILL do the same with her children! God knows exactly what He is doing =) He knows your obedience. Love you guys!!!!

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