Monday, August 17, 2015

Going Back

I'm a fickle little one, pledging my blogging allegiance and failing to follow through.  I just haven't been able to commit to the image I imagined for this space.  But it's time I go back to where I started.
This blog was founded on the idea of documenting my journey in life as a wife, mother, and follower of Christ as I go from here to eternity, and as our current lives are shifting, it is no better time than now to refocus our eyes back on eternity and it's goal at hand.

A little over 5 years ago I began the writings of motherhood and life after my greatest heartbreak.  We navigated the waters of moving back in with "mom & dad" and our attempt to put our lives back together with a new baby and no income.  As I sift through the posts from years past, I can't help but laugh, roll my eyes, and cry for the girl who often sat at her computer screen attempting to narrow in on the moments worth remembering over the fear of the unknown that had so greatly become her closest confidant.  She had no idea that the next years of her life would give her some of her greatest bouts of anger, greatest feelings of hopelessness, most breathtaking views of unconditional love, moments of complete joy, and the greatest gift of forgiveness.  Little did she know that what was in store for her would turn out to be the most adventurous years that she'll never forget.

I can't help but feel this deep sense of compassion for the girl I once was.

So desperate for grace.

So longing for a purpose worthy of the gospel.

I was so set out on finding that glory for my story, that I almost missed the very meaning of my life.

I almost missed the very breaths that stood at my feet,  the very heart that would stand across from me just begging me to quiet down and just be in his, and the very calm voice that called my name as a Child of the King.  I was determined to find my identity in something that I lost track of the purpose in the actual doing of my days.  I wanted to be big.  I wanted to be known.  I wanted to have thousands of likers and followers even though I couldn't even figure out who it was in me they would be following.

It wasn't until I came to my weakest of moments, where my body physically started to shut down, and my will collapsed on it's knees and surrendered, did I finally get my moment.  And that moment came when I realized that laying myself down, meant finding out exactly who I was.

I haven't fully figured myself out, but I'm about to embark on a journey that's going to push me to my limits and force me into corners that in my mind I know are impossible to face.  I'm about to do what I never believed I could ever do.  I have no idea how I'll do it, but survival is the only answer.

So, from here to eternity is the life I live... and be prepared to join in for this crazy crazy ride...

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